thanksgiving 05'

Amazing, that word sums up how the past five days have been. God truly is glorious, and thankfully, me and some of my roomates were able to experience His glory through creation this Thanksgiving. I didn't think I would be able to get time off of work in order to go home, so I didn't try. But then a week before t-day, Dan told me that Pete and him were going to go to the Grand Canyon and that I had to get off from work. Thankfully, I was able to. We hiked into the canyon, spent the night and were able to make it out the next day so we decided to go to Zion National Park as well. Oh, both were so georgous. We almost had the whole trail to ourselves in both parks which turned out to be a huge blessing. Solitude is a great thing sometimes. Thanksgiving dinner consisted of tuna, beans and a cliff bar, but that was easily offset by everything else. Taking pictures in such places is always difficult, as no camera can truly capture the vastness and beauty, but I took some nonetheless and will let them tell the rest of the story.

These are the trail maps,
about 27 miles total. My boots are in the garbage at the end of the Zion trail, and my feet are in shambles, but oh was it worth it.

The Grand Canyon

Zion National Park

how BIG is your BIRD this year?

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

for kerry lynn

Kerry and I talked the other day, and she didn't know that for the past three months my only mode of transportation has been a motorcycle (if you can call it that). Ok, it's definitely a motorcycle, it's just a really small one (200cc), I believe Steve the chef at the Spa coined it correctly when he called it a "moped on steroids." I'll have to take a picture with me on it, cuz I'm pretty sure I'm too big for it. Pete looked too big for it and he's a couple inches shorter than me. Regardless, it's a champ, 23 years old, only 10,000 miles, and the best part of all...

"I get 70 miles to the gallon on this hog!"

(ok, really I get 63-67, but close enough!)

i'll thank You for the day

I haven't had a day off from the spa for 12 days now, and maybe a couple more once the restaurant is factored in. Needless to say, I have abdicated my responsibility to honor the sabbath (a day of rest in this case). Fridays are usually my day off, and today I actually didn't work, and of course, it was amazing. This morning I got off work and drove to the beach and met up with Nick as it was his turn to film for his friends. They rotate every Friday. I took my camera and tried out surf photography for the first time, and thought the lighting was bad, it was fun. I took pictures, but didn't get in the water for multiple reasons: time, energy level, energy conservation, size of waves, I had a long-board vs. a short-board, and of course most importantly my skill level :) So yeah, needless to say, this picture is not me.

I left the beach and had breakfast with Willie and Dennis. We had a good conversation, one that I was personally really blessed by. God's sovereignty was the theme of the conversation, and it's funny how even during the conversation it was obvious the Lord was "authoring and perfecting." Good people, and good times. Thank You Lord.


From the restaurant I went to the house, gathered my hockey gear (which reminds me I need to pick it up, it is still outside drying and hopefully losing its smell) and drove to the rink. It's been four months or more since I played, but it was great. My legs went weak after the first twenty minutes, but somehow I managed to make it the full time. A few more Fridays of that and I'll be up to par.

Next stop was Panera Bread to meet up with Tim Cain. It had been a while since we'd met, so it was definitely a good thing. We chatted about doctrine and Moody, as he's alumni, and I know I gleaned a lot from our time together. Hopefully I will have time off soon to make it to his college group that he teaches; at the very least I am going to go to Mammoth with them for their snowboarding trip a week before Christmas. Snowboarding, at the very least, ha :) Oh, yeah, Tim is going to Uganda in January, but there is some political unrest right now as the elections are coming up, so please pray for the country and his safety.

Wow, it was a full day, it didn't seem like it though, it was really relaxing. To top it off, Jaime and Nicole blessed me with the opportunity to watch Kaden for them this evening as they went to see a movie. Ahh, kids... He chilled, I chilled, he ate, I ate, he laughed, I laughed, he cried, I asked him not to cry, and finally we rested. It was great. The other day I was jokingly telling Willie how I would probably be diagnosed as bipolar if I went to a psychiatrist, and he was telling me no, and I actually agreed, saying that it's as if all people have mental disorders, it just depends on how intense. Babies prove that, they're all bipolar. They're up, they're down, and not on a small scale. One second they have the most grandisimo smile and two seconds later, face red, lip quivering, blood curdling shrieks. Such is life as an infant. It makes me feel better, as I know I don't have those extremes, but there is a spiritual lesson to be learned here. As an infant one is tossed by emotions and needs, as mature adults we need to be growing...

...until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work. Ephesians 4:13-16

Apply it to emotions, doctrines, desires, all things, we should not be tossed around by anything. God is sovereign, and our trust in Him will guide us through all things... even crying babes. I am super tired now, but I do have pictures of the day, so I will post them. To all... Godspeed...




"Man's capacity for love depends on his willingnes to seek a good together with others, and to subordinate himself to that good for the sake of others, or to others for the sake of that good."

Love and Responsibility - Karol Wojtyla

willing to give it all?

There are some things in life, and they may be the most important things, that we cannot know by research or reflection, but only by committing ourselves. We must dare in order to know. Life is full of situations to which I can respond not with part of myself but only with commitment of my whole being.

- J.H. Oldham

lil' miss gillian

This is the background on my computer, and for obvious reasons. Oh, those blue eyes, and my breaking heart. :-)

to be... or not to be

What's the question?...


This life

I lead

As it is said...



More aptly...


This life

In which

I nead to be led...



The days have been flying by. I can't believe it has already been almost a month since I went home to Wisconsin. Soon the new year will be here and the repetitive saying "I can't believe it's 2006" will be rolling off our tounges. If that's not it, then some derivative of it. Time certainly flies, and we live but like a flower, to bloom and wither away.

It's bewildering to think that I've been contemplating what I will do with my life for the last eight or so years. It's also interesting to think that I was serious then, as I am now, about wanting to find it, and do it. I think the thought process has intensified over the years, but in some ways, that only makes things worse. Thinking too much hurts. Thankfully, the last two years have brought peace into the whole situation. I no longer am stressed about what I will do, just eager, and that I have the Lord to thank for. I have learned that my life is in His hands and that by losing my life, I will gain it. I told Pete the other day that all of life is a paradox. Of course, telling of God's mysterious nature, the paradox starts the moment we are concieved. Not only does life begin, but time ticking away promises unavoidable death. Following suit, is not all of life going to be at least somewhat equally confusing? (somewhat equally :)

All that to say, I have been earnestly praying about things, and this week I will be applying to Moody Bible institute in Chicago. I am not attempting to go to Chicago though, Moody has an extension campus in Spokane, WA, and I am looking to be accepted into their missionary aviation, pilot training program. There have been a lot of inner debates about this, but I believe the time has come; I have yet only to talk to my dad about it. Regardless, it is time to make a commitment, and stick to it. Of course, there is wisdom in decision making and there is a reason we have brains to think with, and always, prayer and supplication to seek the Lord with. I am confident I have done this, now, I just need to finish something. Lord give me strength.

My Utmost for His Hightest, by Oswald Chambers has been a huge help. His expository teachings have touched upon issues which I have delt with. Am I doing this for me, or for God? Am I living in faith or fear? Both of those questions are eternally serious, and I have felt that weight. From Chambers November 10th devotional:

After sanctification it is difficult to state what your aim in life is, because God has taken you up into His purpose by the Holy Ghost; He is using you now for His purposes throughout the world as He used His Son for the purpose of our salvation. If you seek great things for yourself - God has called me for this and that; you are putting a barrier to God's use of you. As long as you have a personal interest in your own character, or any set ambition, you cannot get through into identification with God's interests. You can only get there by losing forever any idea of yourself and by letting God take you right out into His purpose for the world, and because your goings are of the Lord, you can never understand your ways.

I have to learn that the aim in life is God's, not mine. God is using me from His great personal standpoint, and all He asks of me is that I trust Him, and never say - Lord, this gives me such heartache. To talk in that way makes me a clog. When I stop telling God what I want, He can catch me up for what He wants without let or hindrance. He can crumple me up or exalt me, He can do anything He chooses. He simply asks me to have implicit faith in Himself and His goodness. Self-pity is of the devil; if I go off on that line I cannot be used by God for His purpose in the world. I have a "world within the world" in which I live, and God will never be able to get me outside it because I am afraid of being frost-bitten.

Being human, full of selfishness and desire for control, and living in a society where image is glorified above all things, it is only "natural" that I want to be great and that I want to do great things being great. Honestly this has been a hindrance in my walk and it must not be. I seriously have thought, if I'm the pilot of a tiny plane in some remote part of the world, then how is the Lord going to use me for great things. How ridiculous is that? I know it, to the core of my being, yet my desires still stumble me. Lord, rip this heart of flesh from me.

The issue of family... my dad and mom, my sisters and brother, my new niece; and then there's the family of my own I desire so much. My question and doubt has how this decision will effect these areas of my life, yet again, it is not about my will. One more excerpt from Chambers, November 13th:

Stand in implicit adoring faith in Him, He is made unto us "wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemtion." How can we talk of making a sacrifice for the Son of God! Our salvation is from hell and perdition, and then we talk about making sacrifices!...

We never can experience Jesus Christ, nor even hold Him within the compass of our own hearts, but our faith must be built in strong emphatic confidence in Him....

All our fears are wicked, and we fear because we will not nourish ourselves in our faith. How can anyone who is identified with Jesus Christ suffer from doubt of fear! It ought to be an absolute paean of perfectly irrepressible, triumphant belief.

On that note, there is nothing left to be said, except, lead on Lord...

faithfulness to the fullest

I picked this up off of someone else's site and had to repost it. Happenstance, impossible; Divine coordination, absolutely.

This story was written by a doctor who worked in South Africa...

One night I had worked hard to help a mother in the labor ward; but in spite of all we could do, she died leaving us with a tiny premature baby and a crying two-year-old daughter. We would have difficulty keeping the baby alive, as we had no incubator (we had no electricity to run an incubator).

We also had no special feeding facilities. Although we lived on the equator, nights were often chilly with treacherous drafts. One student midwife went for the box we had for such babies and the cotton wool that the baby would be wrapped in.

Another went to stoke up the fire and fill a hot water bottle. She came back shortly in distress to tell me that in filling the bottle, it had burst (rubber perishes easily in tropical climates). "And it is our last hot water bottle!" she exclaimed. As in the West, it is no good crying over spilled milk so in Central Africa it might be considered no good crying over burst water bottles. They do not grow on trees, and there are no drugstores down forest pathways.

"All right," I said, "put the baby as near the fire as you safely can, and sleep between the baby and the door to keep it free from drafts. Your job is to keep the baby warm."

The following noon, as I did most days, I went to have prayers with any of the orphanage children who chose to gather with me. I gave the youngsters various suggestions of things to pray about and told them about the tiny baby. I explained our problem about keeping the baby warm enough, mentioning the hot water bottle, and that the baby could so easily die if it got chills. I also told them of the two-year-old sister, crying because her mother had died.

During prayer time, one ten-year old girl, Ruth, prayed with the usual blunt conciseness of our African children. "Please, God" she prayed, "send us a water bottle. It'll be no good tomorrow, God, as the baby will be dead, so please send it this afternoon."

While I gasped inwardly at the audacity of the prayer, she added, "And while You are about it, would You please send a dolly for the little girl so she'll know You really love her?"

As often with children's prayers, I was put on the spot. Could I honestly say,"Amen". I just did not believe that God could do this. Oh, yes, I know that He can do everything, the Bible says so. But there are limits, aren't there? The only way God could answer this particular prayer would be by sending me a parcel from homeland. I had been in Africa for almost four years at that time, and I had never, ever received a parcel from home.

Anyway, if anyone did send me a parcel, who would put in a hot water bottle?

I lived on the equator!

Halfway through the afternoon, while I was teaching in the nurses' training school, a message was sent that there was a car at my front door.

By the time I reached home, the car had gone, but there, on the veranda, was a large twenty-two pound parcel. I felt tears pricking my eyes. I could not open the parcel alone, so I sent for the orphanage children.

Together we pulled off the string, carefully undoing each knot. We folded the paper, taking care not to tear it unduly.

Excitement was mounting.

Some thirty or forty pairs of eyes were focused on the large cardboard box.

From the top, I lifted out brightly colored, knitted jerseys. Eyes sparkled as I gave them out. Then there were the knitted bandages for the leprosy patients, and the children looked a little bored. Then came a box of mixed raisins and sultanas - that would make a batch of buns for the weekend.

Then, as I put my hand in again, I felt the.....could it really be? I grasped it and pulled it out - yes, a brand-new, rubber hot water bottle. I cried. I had not asked God to send it; I had not truly believed that He could.

Ruth was in the front row of the children. She rushed forward, crying out, "If God has sent the bottle, He must have sent the dolly too!"

Rummaging down to the bottom of the box, she pulled out the small, beautifully dressed dolly. Her eyes shone! She had never doubted!

Looking up at me, she asked: "Can I go over with you and give this dolly to that little girl, so she'll know that Jesus really loves her?"

That parcel had been on the way for five whole months. Packed up by my former Sunday school class, whose leader had heard and obeyed God's prompting to send a hot water bottle, even to the equator. And one of the girls had put in a dolly for an African child - five months before, in answer to the believing prayer of a ten-year-old to bring it "that afternoon."

"Before they call, I will answer" (Isaiah 65:24)

Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. There is no cost but a lot of rewards.Let's continue praying for one another...

Father, I ask you to bless my friends reading this right now. I am asking You to minister to their spirit at this very moment.

Where there is pain, give them Your peace and mercy.

Where there is self doubting, release a renewed confidence to work through them.

Where there is tiredness or exhaustion, I ask You to give them understanding, guidance, and strength as they learn submission to Your leading.

Where there is spiritual stagnation, I ask You to renew them by revealing Your nearness, and by drawing them into greater intimacy with You.

Where there is fear, reveal Your love, and release to them Your courage.

Where there is a sin blocking them, reveal it, and break its hold over my friend's life.

Bless their finances, give them greater vision, and raise up leaders and friends to support and encourage them.

Give each of them discernment to recognize the evil forces around them, and reveal to them the power they have in You to defeat it.

I ask you to do these things in Jesus' name.

"Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps if you're not willing to move your feet."

the grand sequoias

So James and I went to the Sequoia National Park this past weekend and did a little camping. It was a grand experience to say the least. The Lord is amazing, and when engulfed in His marvelous creation, one can't help but reflect on His majesty.

The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display knowledge.

There is no speech or language
where their voice is not heard.

Psalm 19:1-3

We took our sweet time driving up, stopping at REI, getting lunch and of course some coffee, so by the time we got to the park it was completely dark, the moon was nowhere to be found. We stopped at the General Sherman tree, the largest tree in the world, and it was so captivating. Crisp cold air, smelling of pine and infinitely more fresh than our usual smog drenched atmosphere. We walked the half mile path a few times, once completely in the dark, taking our time, step by step, sometimes shuffling our feet, as there were stairs we didn't want to fall down that were sometimes hard to see. It left a lot of time for the camara to sit, shutter open, getting the picture above. We got back, I closed the shutter, and the battery died. A gift of grace, a shot of a lifetime. The spriritual principles we drew from that walk were interesting. Our eyes would adjust to the lack of light and we could make out the outline of the path and little else. At times everything would appear pixelated and granulated as if we were looking through a digital camara past its optical zoom and into its digital zoom. You know how the camara starts to create what it thinks the image to be at that point, well, our eyes would do the same thing, where they wanted to see a path, there the path would be. It was a little freaky to say the least, begging the question, how often is what we see and understand, a figment of our own imagination? Something we have created in our minds simply because reality is too much to handle. In some respects we are probably blessed that we don't know, yet of course life would be better for all if we were real with ourselves and those around us. Pretending is something children do. Needless to say, that night we prayed that God would open our eyes to see things the way that He does. It was a great experience.

The whole weekend was great. It had its trials too though. James lost his wallet along the side of the road when we got out to relieve ourselves, and by an extreme act of grace we found it a couple hours later after backtracking 15 miles on the windy road leading to the park. We were both tense, tired and trying not to be too upset and we roll around this corner, thinking it might have been the one we stopped at, and sure enough his wallet was lying on the side of the road. What are the odds? Our first nights sleep was the most ridiculous mockery of sleep ever. It was definitely below freezing and though our sleeping bags were good, they weren't that good. Instead of being fleece lined they're more of like a satin lined bag, and supposedly you sleep in them without clothes, as the clothes prevent the bag from doing its job. Well, that's not the case, and we found out the hard way. You would be warm for a few minutes and maybe sleep, but as soon as you shifted an inch the part of the bag that hadn't been warmed by body heat was there, freezing and uninviting, shocking you awake. It was a mockery of sleep. Needless to say, we left the mountain and went to the little village and bought blankets for the following night.

We had a blast though, did some hiking, took some pictures, and just played around like boys in the wilderness. We saw a 12 point buck not even two seconds after we drove into the park, and after that we saw bears, possums, foxes, and so much more. It was glorious. I didn't get to go fishing, though I took a pole, but maybe next time. Of course one thing James and I did was solve the worlds problems. We talked about everything from politics to family and of course girls, and if only we had a soap box from which people would listen... One thing I know is that we need to listen to our own advice before we even think to begin to tell others.

It was a great weekend, one I will remember forever and I can only thank God for the time away. Great is His faithfulness.

careful what you think

This Life's dim windows of the soul
Distorts the Heavens from Pole to Pole,
And leads you to believe a lie
When you see with, not through, the eye.

- William Blake

home, sweet home

I've been dabbling in the internet blog scene for quite some time now, but I have never continued one for an extended period. It started on xanga, then there was a house project known as the fun castle, of course I have a myspace page, but I think that this will be the place I make my blog home. I am moving into a new season in my life and I think it will be a good thing to keep family and friends in the know as to what is happening, and of course I will be doing some random thought expression as blogging is so well known for. Purpose, driven by a desire to know and glorify God in all things is what life is all about, and just knowing that, the contentment in all situations that the apostle Paul so adamantly demands is not only attainable in the future, but in the present as well, even in the state of unsurety as to which direction life has me headed in this exact moment. Praise God for His faithfulness and sovereignty. Glory hallelujah!