beautiful so-cal

Yesterday the waves were huge, everyone got so beat up, it was funny. There was this nasty current that ripped us from the pier all the way to the jetty in less than half an hour, for those who don't know it's about a half mile. There were only a few ridable waves, but dropping in on a ten or twelve foot face of water and being forced along at some ridiculous speed with a guarantee of being eaten alive at some point, what an adrenaline rush. A day like yesterday certainly is a testament to why so many people worship surfing. We are created to worship something, that is obvious, and something powerful, that too is obvious. How, oh how, do we lose sight of God in the midst of all this?

big shoes

This is a picture of my nephews little socks they gave him in the hospital after he was born. I like how they stand up on their own. I get to go visit my family this week and I can't wait. My niece, who is two, is extremely excited to see me. She has high expectations about this Uncle Russell guy. I love it.

I have big shoes to fill.

a capable heart

Someone turned on the lights...
the more I see
the more I cry...
the more I cry
the more I die...
Somehow this is true life...

I lost my phone charger the other day, and my watch broke the day before that. I'm disconnected. All I need is for my car to break down again, and sweet, I'm movin to the North Pole (that way I can have a one on one with the jolly man in red and give him the 411 on what I need for Christmas). I was not going buy a new charger, but realized that it was probably wise to do so... unfortunately. I went to Fry's and bought the thing and my phone still won't charge, oh well, life is better without things. Last night I sat in the hot tub of a million dollar home (not that big a deal as housing costs out here are freakin ridiculous) and listened to teenage boys quote obscene movies and laugh uncontrollably. I haven't watched the movies, I felt disconnected. I was glad that I was sad.

I think that nature in its raw harshness causes the "natural" man to face his frailty. We don't have that anymore. We have conquered, yet lost everything. I have class right now...

to be continued...

4:30am comes real quick when you lay down at 12:30, but even four hours of sleep at work is amazing, who sleeps at work? It sure is dark and cold out though, and that brings me back... where were we before electricity? Humbled, put in our right place as created beings I think. I would venture to say that nature conquering our "sinful nature" was a form of Gods grace, and we have technologically rid ourselves of such grace. We simply aren't made to live in this world as it now is.

Of course though, since that wretched day however many years ago we have always been at odds with our environment (whether a technological or natural landscape). I still wonder how the world would look, pre-adam and eve-fall status, with 6 billion people (I don't know how comfortable I am with being vegetarian and naked :-) But that was never the notion. God knew we would sin, He knew we would be where we are today. God knew that we weren't capable of living peacefully with our own creations, i.e. cell phones, computers, cars, a metropolis. It is here I struggle. It is here that I must find some semblance of reconciliation, and what that is, I'm yet to find out. I pray for it constantly.

I have wanted to be a missionary to indigenous tribes for a long time, and am just now realizing why I must not go, at least not now. I think it dumb to have a car, but I need a car, catch 22. Why do I think it dumb to have cars? Let's see, we wonder where road rage comes from, and I'm going to make some guesses: Walking is good for you, healthy; sitting in a car, not good, not healthy. Walking is good for you, healthy; spending money on gas is not good, not healthy (neither for the pocket book nor the environment). There has never been a 'walking traffic jam', healthy; no one can stand the 15 or the 5 during rush hour, not healthy. Now I'm not one to get road rage, but I don't blame anyone that does. For a society that is pressed on all sides for time, time wasted in a car, is painful (where were we before the clock, hmm?). And this is how I see all of our advanced living mechanisms, contributions to a society that is gluttonous for punishment. And this is why I must not go anywhere just yet, because I would be running to a place that doesn't exist, the whole world is polluted... I guess I am longing to be a vegetarian and naked.

What I need is a capable heart. A heart strong enough to live amidst the chaos and not become entangled by or enticed by all the false hopes we are now promised, have always been promised. I must admit, I am weak, and this is the problem. Strength must come from God, and only knowing His truth brings such strength. God grant me strength. O God, grant us strength. God grant us truth.

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27

older now

Today is officially my second day of being 26, and I feel like a baby. All of life is a constant step forwards and then backwards, or so it seems, and one day, maybe today, death shall come, and then what? Somehow God accomplishes His purpose, somehow God is in control. I don't understand, I don't think I can, and life is amazing in that way. What are we but dust?

Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do; and greater works than these will he do, because I am going to the Father. Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father my be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it.

If you love me, you will keep my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you.

I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.

- Jesus

God give me faith, God give us faith. God grant us peace. Grant us salvation.

Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

- a disciple of Jesus

sleep deprived

Friday I slept for an hour, Saturday for five, and Sunday for four. No bueno... Last night I finally was able to get seven plus, but I woke up feeling tired, probably because I'm not used to it... Arghh!

Exhaustion, fatigue and lack of physical energy are common sleep deprivation symptoms. Exhaustion and fatigue affect our emotional moods, causing pessimism, sadness, stress and anger. The National Sleep Foundation (NSF) has suggested that social problems such as road rage may be caused, in part, by a national epidemic of sleepiness.

The brain's frontal cortex relies on sleep to function effectively. Insufficient rest adversely affects the frontal cortex's ability to control speech, access memory, and solve problems. The effect on physical energy is also startling: otherwise healthy people quickly show symptoms of age and early diabetes as glucose metabolism falls by up to forty percent. These physical reactions disappear when the test subject is allowed to rest properly. Driving and other activities can become dangerous without sufficient rest.

http://www.sleep-deprivation.com/

It really is time to slow things down, I don't care if the culture around me acts differently. I will be 26 tomorrow and yeah, yeah, everyone tells me I'm so young still, and I admit, I am, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm not eighteen anymore. I don't want diabetes, and Lord knows I don't need to have anymore problems with my "ability to control speech, access memory, and solve problems."

Separate from the sleep deprivation issue (though of course not completely, nothing happens independent of anything else... think about it), I am moving back to Oceanside (not in an attempt to change lifestyle, there are other things I need to change in order to get more sleep, i.e. working so much, taking too many classes at school, etc.). Actually I'm halfway there already, Tim and I had to leave our house in Valley Center so I am staying with a family in this country town called Bonsall.

Hmm... like a falling leaf I am. I want to say that it is something I am not proud of, but it really doesn't bother me. Only when I feel pressured by those around me to be something that I am not do I have a problem with my life. Makes me ask, what's the purpose of life in the first place? Is it not to know Christ and Him crucified, to proclaim that truth to the nations? Is it not to live in the abundant, overflowing love God has for us, and to share that love with all? Everything else is details, "Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19-21

I have learned a lot of lessons in the last few months moving to Valley Center and being part of the church family there, but I feel that season is over with and Oceanside is a better place to be right now. I am ready to settle down for a while I think, kinda over moving so much, but I can't say what will take place. I felt that going to Valley Center was going to be temporary, and it has turned out to be so. I feel as if Oceanside could be for a little while, but I must hand it over to time and of course God, and who knows what the future holds. Who cares really, cuz life is so temporary and eternity is so long... glory hallelujah.

Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit" - yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin. - James 4:13-17

depending on a paradigm

"There is nothing that we can see on earth which does not either show the wretchedness of man or the mercy of God. One either sees the powerlessness of man without God, or the strength of man with God."

- Blaise Pascal

Luther

I think it good, and am thankful to God that we do not see our sinfulness as it truly is, we would surely be overwhelmed and die... Oh how precious is grace. Jesus was perfect and commands us to be so, with no room for negotiation. But of course, we fail, miserably. This is why the world hates Christianity, hates Christ. He calls us to do the impossible, we succeed in trying but never attaining, and the world with its delusions of perfection looks down and scoffs. Here's some quotes from Luther, a man who is both hated and revered. As I'm sure he would agree, he was not perfect, but, to God be the glory, even in our sin.

No man ought to lay a cross upon himself, or to adopt tribulation, as is done in popedom; but if a cross or tribulation come upon him, then let him suffer it patiently, and know that it is good and profitable for him.

Pray, and let God worry.

The reproduction of mankind is a great marvel and mystery. Had God consulted me in the matter, I should have advised him to continue the generation of the species by fashioning them out of clay.

First I shake the whole Apple tree, that the ripest might fall. Then I climb the tree and shake each limb, and then each branch and then each twig, and then I look under each leaf.

Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.

My heart, which is so full to overflowing, has often been solaced and refreshed by music when sick and weary.

Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave.

Faith is a living, daring confidence in God's grace, so sure and certain that a man could stake his life on it a thousand times.

Unless I am convinced by Scripture and plain reason - I do not accept the authority of the Popes and councils, for they have contradicted each other - my conscience is captive to the Word of God. I cannot and I will not recant anything for to go against conscience is neither right nor safe. God help me. Amen.

exhaustible?

Whoever watches the wind will not plant;
whoever looks at the clouds will not reap.

As you do not know the path of the wind,
or how the body is formed in a mother's womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God,
the Maker of all things.

Sow your seed in the morning,
and at evening let not your hands be idle,
for you do not know which will succeed,
whether this or that,
or whether both will do equally well.

- Ecclesiastes 11:4-6

Why do you say, O Jacob,
and complain, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the LORD;
my cause is disregarded by my God"?

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

- Isaiah 40:27-29

Jesus answered, "I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. You should not be surprised at my saying, 'You must be born again.' The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."

- John 3:5-8

¿shoes for everyone?

I'm sitting with a friend right now and she says "I'm not a shoe girl... but I own 30 pairs."

hmm...

Oh, yeah, and then as I'm writing this she says "It could be worse, come on!"

hmm...

something's fishy...

life like chess

I never had the patience to learn chess, at least the right way; and I always thought it was for boring people, I mean, where's the excitement? But of course, in God's grace, I'm slowly and painfully learning that true life is about so much more than I ever thought. I know how to play, just not wisely, and I've always lost. Zealousness means nothing if it isn't rightly directed.

"...and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls." James 1:21

meekness
n 1: the feeling of patient submissive humbleness [syn: submission] 2: a disposition to be patient and long suffering


oh God, give us hearts that truly live in patient submissive humbleness...

i like bird.

"Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head." Matthew 8:20

I'm sure glad Jesus' own family called Him crazy (read Mark ch 3), cuz surely I feel like it sometimes.

to be a disciple

It amazes me to think that there are 6.5 billion people in the world. Astounding and unimaginable, those are two ways I describe how I feel about it. What really makes me ponder is how each person is a person. Yeah, I know, that was as philosophical a statement as anyone has ever heard. Really though, I journal, I prefer to do so daily, but it usually ends up being a couple times a week, unless I'm on sabbatical, HaHaHa, sabbatical... Anyway, I feel like I could write a book a day most days, and to think that every other person on the planet goes through the same labyrinth that is life, that adds up to about 6.5 billion novels a day, filled with experience, thoughts, and of course just about every emotion possible. How insane is it that God has all this in control? How often do I feel like all is spinning out of control and try to do something drastic to rope it back in? How ridiculous is my usual, day to day belief in who God is?

There are so many times that I, we, feel alone, and it's a lie. God has read our book, God wrote our book, God is the "author and perfector of our faith."

All that to say, what was it like to be a disciple? I mean, if we put our faith in Christ and follow Him on any level, we are a disciple (maybe a good one, maybe a horrible one), but what was it like to walk the earth with God Himself, not as Adam did, but as Peter did, as James did, as John did. What was it like to walk with Jesus? How like an emotional roller coaster must that have been? We are so filthily sinful, and Him so perfect. Our darkest motives and desires always being brought into the light, even the ones that seem right. All this going on spiritually and emotionally and then the fact that the Man you are with is hated by the most respected parts of society, and you have left all to follow Him, what inner chaos it must have been. As they say in Spanish, por ejemple:

Jesus asks His disciples who they think He is, and Peter boldly says "You are the Christ, the Son of the living God." And Jesus was ecstatic that Peter had been given this gift, "Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jonoh! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father who is in heaven." How did Peter feel? How would we feel to have God in flesh say that to us?

Biblically it seems that it wasn't too long after this happened that Jesus was talking of how He at some point was going to have to be killed, and "Peter took him aside and began to rebuke Him, saying, 'Far be it from you, Lord! This shall never happen
to you.' But He (Jesus) turned and said to Peter, 'Get behind me, Satan! You are a hindrance to me. For you are not setting your mind on things of God, but on the things of man.'"

(paraphrased from the book of Matthew)

Whoa, harsh, very harsh. But it is truth, and as the cliché says, truth hurts. What I find peace in is that so many times I feel like Peter. One minute I'm on the right track, blessed beyond compare; the next, so far from it as if I were the devil himself. Why does God do things this way? I have no clue. So then... we learn what it is to be human and sinful, and we learn what it means to walk with Christ, here, NOW. Learning to trust in God as He daily writes our novel, conquering our sinfulness, this is living... this is true life!

"Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." John 20:29

"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the LORD." Isaiah 55:8

narrow indeed

a road to be walked
narrow indeed, in deed?
take hold but let go
a call to heed

lose life to gain life
have without having
mourn without mourning
rejoice without rejoicing

everything an exploit
demanding response
from who? the question
ask at once

unfathomably knowable
from beginning to end
met in the middle
to be called friend

a sudden change
prior motives entombed
what was is no more
actions florally bloom

love springs forth
from a heart that bleeds
a road to be walked
narrow indeed

a rich man knows not

"UNDP calculates that an annual 4 percent levy on the world's 225 most well-to-do people (average 1998 wealth: $4.5 billion) would suffice to provide the following essentials for all those in developing countries: adequate food, safe water and sanitation, basic education, basic health care and reproductive health care. At present, 160 of those individuals live in OECD countries; 60 reside in the United States."

What does it mean to be wealthy? Is it relative? To what?

I taught the little groms at the beach Monday night and they were astounded when I said that just to be born in the United States makes you a rich person. It is really quite funny coming from kids who get a new surfboard every couple months. I could understand such a response if I was talking to a poor immigrant family or someone living on the streets, but seriously, mom is gonna drive up in a brand new Yukon and take you home to your own bedroom. I could say so much more about how wealthy we are, and what that might mean, an entire book could be written, but here's just a little food for thought. How have we as humans changed over time in what we consider our basic needs? The gap between the aristocratic class and peasant class used to be much more distinguishable. Sure there are the top 225 billion who could change the world with so little of what they have, and they should, and they will answer to God Almighty one day; BUT do we all, here in the United States live like kings and queens? Do we all have our own castle? Do we all have our own chariot? Do we all have our own entertaining jester? Do we all... have?

(Of course generalizations are just that, general and not specific. Of course there are very poor people here in the United States, but I think the visualization is much more applicable than we, I, are willing to admit most of the time, and this should bring us to our knees.)

"Again I (Jesus) tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." Matthew 19:24

i'm a dichotomous bum

Dichotomous, not hippopotomous, I'm not grey and surrounded on every side by a foot of blubber (sure would be great to have the same floating abilities that they have, I just sink everytime I exhale). Sometimes though, I feel like it (surrounded by blubber that is). Leftovers from being a chubby kid I guess. How is it possible I still feel blubberous sometimes?... "Death and Destruction are never satisfied, and neither are the eyes of man." Proverbs 27:20

I slept on the beach last night. I had no blanket, so I froze, but nonetheless it was nice. My house is being bombed for termites, so last night and for the next two nights I'm homeless. I love it. Reminds me of those days when I slept in the open bed of my pickup. Maybe I'll do it again. BUT... Why, oh why, and I know it is true, why would so many people I know not be ok with that? Where is it that man wants me to be, and more importantly, where is it that God wants me to be?

"Death and Destruction are never satisfied, and neither are the eyes of man." Proverbs 27:20

deeply superficial

fick‧le [fik-uhl]
–adjective
1. likely to change, esp. due to caprice, irresolution, or instability; casually changeable: fickle weather.
2. not constant or loyal in affections: a fickle lover.

[Origin: bef. 1000; ME fikel, OE ficol deceitful, akin to fācen treachery, fician to deceive, gefic deception]

"How well you direct your course to seek love! So that even to wicked women you have taught your ways. Also on your skirts is found the lifeblood of the guiltless poor; you did not find them breaking in. Yet in spite of all these things you say, 'I am innocent; surely his anger has turned from me.' Behold, I will bring you to judgment for saying, 'I have not sinned.' How much you go about, changing your way! You shall be put to shame by Egypt as you were put to shame by Assyria. From it too you will come away with your hands on your head, for the LORD has rejected those in whom you trust, and you will not prosper by them."

Jeremiah 2:33-37

"How much you go about, changing your way!" A week ago I finished a book by an "emerging church" pastor, and in many ways it was a good book, but in many ways it was a horrible book. It has taken a while to digest everything, but like another book I read along the same vein of thinking, I wanted to walk away, smoke a cigar, drink a six pack, and call it new life. Depressing. The visible theme is attractive and even desirable, playing on truths that anyones heart cries out to be declared; but the underlying theme, the mode of thinking which runs its course through the entire book is basically this: "Somewhere in you is the you whom you were made to be. We need you to be you. We don't need a second anybody. We need the first you." It is subtle, and the quote that I am taking could be a reference to actual truths, but the development of the thought is not complete, it is ambiguous and vague, and this is where it leaves the reader. A glimmer of hope, but there is no actual resolution. This is typical of the postmodern world we live in, I mean, are there any absolutes? They would say "absolutely not!" absolutely. Hmm...

Then there is reality, the reality that I daily must face, a physically, emotionally, spiritually hard reality, the one I have spent my entire life trying to escape. I am learning what it means to trust like a child. Christian. I am learning what it means to be married. Christian. I am learning how the beautiful world around us and the manner in which God created all things is a purposeful stereotype of the spiritual world that I do not daily see. Christian. I am learning that I am fickle. Sadly, generally, Christian. I am learning what submission means. Christian. I am learning to love God and my neighbor unconditionally... and it is all very, very hard. Christian. The process of transformation makes me wonder if the catepillar metamorphosing into a butterfly goes through similar pains. How hideous the start, such an extreme change, and oh how absolutely beautiful the finished product. Christian.

Thus says the LORD: "Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the LORD. He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see any good come. He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land.

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream,and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green,and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit." The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? "I the LORD search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds."

Jeremiah 17:5-10

Oh, how fickle, how ironically, deeply superficial am I, have I always been. I'm just one of those children I guess, the kind every parent dreads (that makes me laugh, because it is so true). All my life I have ran from submission. But God wants different.

God grant me repentance that I may joyfully submit to Your church, to You, regardless of doubts and fears. Change my heart that is so inclined toward evil. By the power of Your Spirit, in the name of Your Son, Jesus.

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, 'My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust...'" Psalm 91:1,2