una cancion

This is my friend Dave and I, and our Spanish project that we took overboard. I think I probably put more time into this than I did all of high school studying combined (though that doesn't necessarily make it a big accomplishment, I'm not all that proud of my high school days :) Enjoy... oh yeah, sorry if ya don't understand, pretty much, it's all about our teacher and his state of not having a girlfriend, wife, woman, etc... hee hee hee...

dancing days

Tomorrow would have been two weeks since I have last posted something. Hmm... and the last post being a poem of pensive proportions... interesting times, that's all I'm going to say.

It is wonderful to be on break from school, the semester was good, but crazy, and yeah, I'm glad to be done. I have been just as busy this past week and a half though, and I'm ready to settle down a little bit. Being given, out-witting, winning (whatever it would be) three great white elephant gifts this year has made the parties fun, but my questions are who, where, and when, I mean what is the deal with this white elephant thing anyway? It's out of control now.

So I need to leave work now but this youtube video should be seen by all... HILARIOUS!

One word... aspirations

soul cry

I spent today,frivolously wasting away
time past, unearned, melting pot of clay.

Realizing all is given, somehow still meritoriously driven
impulsive thought, greatest gift death, escape from prison.

Proud and wisely absent, this vein pumps a wicked current
nothing untouched, thieving all, trail of weeping lament.

Left questioning the sovereign planting, the gracious grafting
tiresome dichotomy, empty heart, soul cry for truth pacifying.

the little man

this is Kaden, he makes me smile...

It's so funny, he's at that age now where he understands so much and is starting to really feel an attachment to people. When I took off after dinner at his house last night he was SO upset, he cried and cried... I couldn't help but laugh, imagine if we all still acted out our emotions the way little people do, what a hilarious and hideous thought.

Ahh, little men... I need to have at least five. Lord, wha'dya think?

all the days

"I'm happier than a tornado in a trailer park."

- Mater

I have moved three times this semester, and it has been rough... trying to keep up with work, school and you know, life. But as they say, third time is a charm, and charmed I am. That up there is a view from our window... our address, Pacific Street... and for good reason... the big blue is right there. Therefore, I am happy. Sure, happiness is temporary, but if a blessing brings some good feelings, who am I to be a pious, pompous... you get the idea. This is an area I am growing in though, accepting the world as it is, yet juggling the command to "be in it but not of it." Youthful vigor blinds me often... I guess the thing that's changing is my youth...

But not to be outdone with the location, the Lord took it a step farther. Moving in has been made easy by people doling out pots, pans, dishes, we truly had no kitchen goods prior. The only thing I really wanted though was a hot air popper to make some yummy popcorn. I had cleaned out all the cupboards in the kitchen except one, and lo and behold, look what was there...

O Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar. You scrutinize my path and my lying down, and are intimately acquainted with all my ways. Even before there is a word on my tongue, behold, O Lord, You know it all. You have enclosed me behind and before, and laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is too high, I cannot attain to it.

Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the dawn, if I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, even there Your hand will lead me, and Your right hand will lay hold of me. If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be night," even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You.

For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mothers womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. When I awake, I am still with You.

- Psalm 139:1-18

O how precious is the grace of God and the assurance that He is truly sovereign over all things, big and small... all the days...

perfect love...

"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."

- Ephesians 4:32

be ye perfect... now

"Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect."

- Jesus

God expects perfection, bottom line. But it is painfully obvious that we cannot offer Him perfection, or anything remotely close. If that fact is not painfully obvious, then we have become disillusioned and are in a serious need of a reality check in relation to our own sinfulness. Then why, and how does He expect us to be perfect? Is it some sort of cruel joke, meant to frustrate and drive people away? ???

Pride, the answer is pride... we become frustrated and walk from faith when we realize that we cannot do it (be perfect that is), and that inability, pridefully angers us. Oh how possible it is to have this mindset and think that we are right, "well if God expects me to do that... then God can..."

And oh how wrong we are. See, God knows there is no "potential within," and He sees us as what we are. Broken, mis-shaped pots who see themselves as something of alabaster and gold. This fact is beautiful, no, not our prideful view of ourselves of course, but understanding Gods understanding of us. When a parent, teacher, or friend sees potential in someone and that person isn't living up to it, he/she usually becomes frustrated and angry with the person (and that usually from pride too, think about it...). Whereas with the Lord, amazingly this is where He comes to the rescue. God certainly is upset with our failures, but as He is perfect, He perfectly understands that "love covers over a multitude of sins." And as the pen is mightier than the sword, love is mightier than everything. So God wins with love, and He expects us to do the same. And that is why He commands perfection, because He understands that when love is sown, the harvest will be plentiful. Therefore cast out all frustration and anger and simply love. Love.

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 3:12-14

"The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 4:7-11

"All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, 'God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.' Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 5:5-11

perfect we shall be

It amazes me to think that one day life as we know it will cease to exist. Shocking really, I mean, I think we tend to feel so planted here, so attached to all we think is real, all we think is important. Take some time, sit on it for a while, really grapple with the fact of being finite...

How hard is it? How fast does the mind travel to other things, other things that portray themselves as more important? Personally, I know what happens... oh this is coming up, that is going to take place, I need this, I want that, how's the cat, yada, yada. And I think we all have the same problem, I'm sure we all suffer, inherently, from some form of "ADD" and therefore are naturally at odds with recognizing the importance of understanding that, yes, life is certainly about living and fulfilling one's duty on the planet, but ultimately the fulfilling, culminating truth is that life is about dying.

What?

Yes, death... that which we all should hate with passion. A tell-tale sign of our frailty. To hate out of pride, angry that we are forced to succumb to the whims of a force greater than ourselves, is obviously wrong. But to hate out of humility, understanding one's own wretchedness and contribution to the reason for death, that is a completely different story...

And I must go to school, so I shall finish mas tarde, si?

perfect we are not

Why is it that when someone is seen as having potential, perfection is expected of them?

a bean in the snow

This is Gillian...

...or Gilly Bean... or just Bean. And that is a picture of a Bean in the snow.

This past weekend while staying at Grandma's house in Wisconsin, Bean heard the weatherman say on TV that there was a chance of snow; only it was raining outside. In perfect two year old fashion, not understanding the variables involved, Bean said that she "really" wanted it to snow. As her mother was taking her to go for a nap it was explained that the only way it would snow is if God wanted it to snow. So Bean prayed and asked God to make it snow. Of course you already know the outcome, pictures say many words. When Bean woke up and there were four inches of perfect fluffy packing snow on the ground, she exclaimed, faithfully, the way only a child can, that God had heard her.

Ahh... I wish that I were there to hear her make that exclamation. Oh how precious. Children know so much more than we give them credit for. It's interesting to ponder whether there was an element of divine interaction involved in the rain becoming snow in such timing. Personally, I believe God to be that sovereign, and loving. Somehow with something on a macro level like the weather, He is able to be completely and intricately involved on a micro level with all of His creation. All glory and honor be unto Him.

"Great is the LORD, and greatly to be praised, and his greatness is unsearchable." Psalm 145:3

...read the rest of that Psalm, and think of how the little faith of the little Bean was made bigger with a little white fluffy snow.

hee hee...

I was just enjoying a peanut butter and bread sandwich with a cup of coffee in the kitchen here at work, and Lourdes, the morning chef, asks me how long I've been in school. It took a little thinking to add up all the years, almost two hands, and finally, once I pieced everything together I told her that it has been five (not including the Navy). She gave me the most classic response, and I wish I could reproduce her Hispanic accent, cuz that's what made it over-the-top hilarious. Anyway, she exclaims, literally, with shock, "What are you going to be, a doctor!... a minister!... ... ... the next president!..." Ohh, it was great, unequivocally funny...

I think, I will be all the above. I haven't decided in what order though. Probably a good idea to start out with president, then doctor maybe, and then minister. Seems like a more sane way to do it. To end with presidency would just be disappointing and depressing.

Anywho, if you plan to be in school within the next 10 years I'll probably see you there... classmate. Here's to goals and dreams!

shepherds

"Though magistrates and ministers fail in doing their part, for the good of the church, yet God will not fail in doing his; he will take the flock into his own hand rather than the church shall come short of any kindness he has designed for it. The under-shepherds may prove careless, but the chief Shepherd neither slumbers nor sleeps. They may be false, but God abides faithful."

-Matthew Henry

The word of the LORD came to me: "Son of man, prophesy against the shepherds of Israel; prophesy and say to them: 'This is what the Sovereign LORD says: Woe to the shepherds of Israel who only take care of themselves! Should not shepherds take care of the flock? You eat the curds, clothe yourselves with the wool and slaughter the choice animals, but you do not take care of the flock. You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost. You have ruled them harshly and brutally. So they were scattered because there was no shepherd, and when they were scattered they became food for all the wild animals. My sheep wandered over all the mountains and on every high hill. They were scattered over the whole earth, and no one searched or looked for them.

Therefore, you shepherds, hear the word of the LORD : As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign LORD, because my flock lacks a shepherd and so has been plundered and has become food for all the wild animals, and because my shepherds did not search for my flock but cared for themselves rather than for my flock, therefore, O shepherds, hear the word of the LORD : This is what the Sovereign LORD says: I am against the shepherds and will hold them accountable for my flock. I will remove them from tending the flock so that the shepherds can no longer feed themselves. I will rescue my flock from their mouths, and it will no longer be food for them.

For this is what the Sovereign LORD says: I myself will search for my sheep and look after them. As a shepherd looks after his scattered flock when he is with them, so will I look after my sheep. I will rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on a day of clouds and darkness. I will bring them out from the nations and gather them from the countries, and I will bring them into their own land. I will pasture them on the mountains of Israel, in the ravines and in all the settlements in the land. I will tend them in a good pasture, and the mountain heights of Israel will be their grazing land. There they will lie down in good grazing land, and there they will feed in a rich pasture on the mountains of Israel. I myself will tend my sheep and have them lie down, declares the Sovereign LORD. I will search for the lost and bring back the strays. I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak, but the sleek and the strong I will destroy. I will shepherd the flock with justice.

Ezekiel 34:1-16

“To the elders among you, I appeal as a fellow elder, a witness of Christ's sufferings and one who also will share in the glory to be revealed: Be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care, serving as overseers—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not greedy for money, but eager to serve; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock. And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away.”

1 Peter 5:1-4

sheep

"Sheep are not the docile, pleasant creatures of the pasoral idyll. Any countryman will tell you that. They are sly, occasionally vicious, pathologically stupid."

- Joanne Harris

As for you, my flock, this is what the Sovereign LORD says: I will judge between one sheep and another, and between rams and goats. Is it not enough for you to feed on the good pasture? Must you also trample the rest of your pasture with your feet? Is it not enough for you to drink clear water? Must you also muddy the rest with your feet? Must my flock feed on what you have trampled and drink what you have muddied with your feet?

Therefore this is what the Sovereign LORD says to them: See, I myself will judge between the fat sheep and the lean sheep. Because you shove with flank and shoulder, butting all the weak sheep with your horns until you have driven them away, I will save my flock, and they will no longer be plundered. I will judge between one sheep and another. I will place over them one shepherd, my servant David, and he will tend them; he will tend them and be their shepherd. I the LORD will be their God, and my servant David will be prince among them. I the LORD have spoken.

Ezekiel 34:17-24

If my hair was white, I would represent a sheep all to well :)

Lord, grant us change.

meant to be

I think I am definitely meant to be a country boy. I'm in L.A. right now, visiting my brother-in-law, and I can't stand it here. I heard someone say on the radio that they were driving to work on the 405 freeway, and the radio announcer laughed and said, "looks like your going to be driving for four or five hours... ha, ha, ha." I didn't think it was funny. I'm disgusted by it. Is it possible to find satisfaction as a human being wearing a suit and talking business at a bar, in a sea of concrete? I am sure that it is possible, but not for me, that's for sure. I'm meant to wear flip-flops.

today's lesson

The last post was a quote that seemingly looked beautiful, and oddly enough to some would be. To the ignorant (myself until it was pointed out to me :) whose English is lacking it seemed right. But a quick check with the ole' dictionary says otherwise, hmm...

indiscriminate / [in-di-skrim-uh-nit]
–adjective
1.
not discriminating; lacking in care, judgment, selectivity, etc.: indiscriminate in one's friendships.
2.
not discriminate; haphazard; thoughtless: indiscriminate slaughter.
3.
not kept apart or divided; thrown together; jumbled: an indiscriminate combination of colors and styles.


discriminate  [v. di-skrim-uh-neyt; adj. di-skrim-uh-nit]
–verb (used without object)
1.
to make a distinction in favor of or against a person or thing on the basis of the group, class, or category to which the person or thing belongs rather than according to actual merit; show partiality: The new law discriminates against foreigners. He discriminates in favor of his relatives.
2.
to note or observe a difference; distinguish accurately: to discriminate between things.
–verb (used with object)
3.
to make or constitute a distinction in or between; differentiate: a mark that discriminates the original from the copy.
4.
to note or distinguish as different: He can discriminate minute variations in tone.
–adjective
5.
marked by discrimination; making or evidencing nice distinctions: discriminate people; discriminate judgments.

What a difference a few letters makes...

indiscriminately

"God commands us to all indiscriminately cast forth the the seed of the gospel, but it is the Holy Spirit alone who germinates that seed in the hearts of those for whom Christ died. For that grace itself which the Spirit quickens the elect has its source and fountain in the work of Christ."

- John H.

whoa!... i'm ignorant

Was cruisin' through the offices at church today, picked up a random book I found lying on a desk, and did a quick couple hour speed read and this is what I found (amongst many other things)...

"...Pontius Pilate, the Roman procurator, even asked Jesus, 'What is truth?' (John18:38). The truth allures men, yet it eludes them also. One reason is because many are quick to condemn before they investigate. Solomon, the wisest man that ever lived (excluding Jesus), said it this way: 'He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him' (Prov. 18:13). If we set aside our own opinions and seek true understanding, then we become the benefeciaries.

"The main reason why truth is difficult to find is because the acceptance of truth is hindered by man's pride and arrogance. All of us possess some knowledge, but none of us can know it all."

Yup... so generally I think of myself as a pretty smart person, but, ummm... also in this book homie quotes people who have a faith in scripture, in order to show how intelligent it is to have faith, and these people, make me feel very, very ignorant.

"Dr. Robert Dick Wilson said, 'I have made it an invariable habit never to accept an objection to a statement of the Old Testament without subjecting it to a most thorough investigation, linguistically and factually.' He holds a PhD from Princeton and is author of A Scientific Investigation of the Old Testament. Without missing a single syllable, he can repeat from memory the entire New Testament in Hebrew and can do the same with large portions of the Old Testament. He speaks forty-five languages."

WHAT?!!! Forty-five languages?!! My goodness... I struggle with English. Anyway... I don't know why he would know the New Testament in Hebrew, that doesn't make much sense (unless he is Jewish), maybe it's a typo, regardless, I am humbled. I mean, to know any small portion of scripture by heart, in my native tongue, would be nice.

There is much peace to be found resting in the shelter of others faith, and there is also much work to be done in securely building shelters of our own faith, seeking the Lord and loving Him. Ahhh... life...

God grant us wisdom.

"It is the glory of God to conceal things, but the glory of kings is to search things out." Proverbs 25:1

yikes

When I was a young lad I used to sing quite regularly in my schools little choir, or should I say, little schools choir. It was a private Lutheran school with, I don't know, 14 or 15 kids in it, grades Kintergarden through 6th... yeah, I know, tiny! Well after that I thought it gay or something to be in a choir so I stopped, but now that I'm older and simply understand gay to be "having or showing a merry, lively mood," :) I really don't care. So in my fourth year in community college :) I joined a choir and our first performance is this weekend. Yikes.

imagine...

imagine...
life without inhibitions,
the wrong ones,
from the past,
the dark past...
die...

imagine...
day without night,
not yet,
light casts shadow,
here,
now...
fear...

imagine...
who could?
what about?
when can?
where will?
why does?
how would?...
stop...

imagine...
faith,
with pain,
every step blind,
imagine…
no such thing,
if truth,
is truth...
walk...

imagine…
how would?
why does?
where will?
when can?
what about?
who could?
receive…

imagine…
now,
here,
light casts shadow,
to come,
day without night...
hope, trust, love…

imagine...
life with peace,
the right one,
from the past,
the bright past...
live...

beautiful so-cal

Yesterday the waves were huge, everyone got so beat up, it was funny. There was this nasty current that ripped us from the pier all the way to the jetty in less than half an hour, for those who don't know it's about a half mile. There were only a few ridable waves, but dropping in on a ten or twelve foot face of water and being forced along at some ridiculous speed with a guarantee of being eaten alive at some point, what an adrenaline rush. A day like yesterday certainly is a testament to why so many people worship surfing. We are created to worship something, that is obvious, and something powerful, that too is obvious. How, oh how, do we lose sight of God in the midst of all this?

big shoes

This is a picture of my nephews little socks they gave him in the hospital after he was born. I like how they stand up on their own. I get to go visit my family this week and I can't wait. My niece, who is two, is extremely excited to see me. She has high expectations about this Uncle Russell guy. I love it.

I have big shoes to fill.

a capable heart

Someone turned on the lights...
the more I see
the more I cry...
the more I cry
the more I die...
Somehow this is true life...

I lost my phone charger the other day, and my watch broke the day before that. I'm disconnected. All I need is for my car to break down again, and sweet, I'm movin to the North Pole (that way I can have a one on one with the jolly man in red and give him the 411 on what I need for Christmas). I was not going buy a new charger, but realized that it was probably wise to do so... unfortunately. I went to Fry's and bought the thing and my phone still won't charge, oh well, life is better without things. Last night I sat in the hot tub of a million dollar home (not that big a deal as housing costs out here are freakin ridiculous) and listened to teenage boys quote obscene movies and laugh uncontrollably. I haven't watched the movies, I felt disconnected. I was glad that I was sad.

I think that nature in its raw harshness causes the "natural" man to face his frailty. We don't have that anymore. We have conquered, yet lost everything. I have class right now...

to be continued...

4:30am comes real quick when you lay down at 12:30, but even four hours of sleep at work is amazing, who sleeps at work? It sure is dark and cold out though, and that brings me back... where were we before electricity? Humbled, put in our right place as created beings I think. I would venture to say that nature conquering our "sinful nature" was a form of Gods grace, and we have technologically rid ourselves of such grace. We simply aren't made to live in this world as it now is.

Of course though, since that wretched day however many years ago we have always been at odds with our environment (whether a technological or natural landscape). I still wonder how the world would look, pre-adam and eve-fall status, with 6 billion people (I don't know how comfortable I am with being vegetarian and naked :-) But that was never the notion. God knew we would sin, He knew we would be where we are today. God knew that we weren't capable of living peacefully with our own creations, i.e. cell phones, computers, cars, a metropolis. It is here I struggle. It is here that I must find some semblance of reconciliation, and what that is, I'm yet to find out. I pray for it constantly.

I have wanted to be a missionary to indigenous tribes for a long time, and am just now realizing why I must not go, at least not now. I think it dumb to have a car, but I need a car, catch 22. Why do I think it dumb to have cars? Let's see, we wonder where road rage comes from, and I'm going to make some guesses: Walking is good for you, healthy; sitting in a car, not good, not healthy. Walking is good for you, healthy; spending money on gas is not good, not healthy (neither for the pocket book nor the environment). There has never been a 'walking traffic jam', healthy; no one can stand the 15 or the 5 during rush hour, not healthy. Now I'm not one to get road rage, but I don't blame anyone that does. For a society that is pressed on all sides for time, time wasted in a car, is painful (where were we before the clock, hmm?). And this is how I see all of our advanced living mechanisms, contributions to a society that is gluttonous for punishment. And this is why I must not go anywhere just yet, because I would be running to a place that doesn't exist, the whole world is polluted... I guess I am longing to be a vegetarian and naked.

What I need is a capable heart. A heart strong enough to live amidst the chaos and not become entangled by or enticed by all the false hopes we are now promised, have always been promised. I must admit, I am weak, and this is the problem. Strength must come from God, and only knowing His truth brings such strength. God grant me strength. O God, grant us strength. God grant us truth.

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27

older now

Today is officially my second day of being 26, and I feel like a baby. All of life is a constant step forwards and then backwards, or so it seems, and one day, maybe today, death shall come, and then what? Somehow God accomplishes His purpose, somehow God is in control. I don't understand, I don't think I can, and life is amazing in that way. What are we but dust?

Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do; and greater works than these will he do, because I am going to the Father. Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father my be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it.

If you love me, you will keep my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you.

I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.

- Jesus

God give me faith, God give us faith. God grant us peace. Grant us salvation.

Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

- a disciple of Jesus

sleep deprived

Friday I slept for an hour, Saturday for five, and Sunday for four. No bueno... Last night I finally was able to get seven plus, but I woke up feeling tired, probably because I'm not used to it... Arghh!

Exhaustion, fatigue and lack of physical energy are common sleep deprivation symptoms. Exhaustion and fatigue affect our emotional moods, causing pessimism, sadness, stress and anger. The National Sleep Foundation (NSF) has suggested that social problems such as road rage may be caused, in part, by a national epidemic of sleepiness.

The brain's frontal cortex relies on sleep to function effectively. Insufficient rest adversely affects the frontal cortex's ability to control speech, access memory, and solve problems. The effect on physical energy is also startling: otherwise healthy people quickly show symptoms of age and early diabetes as glucose metabolism falls by up to forty percent. These physical reactions disappear when the test subject is allowed to rest properly. Driving and other activities can become dangerous without sufficient rest.

http://www.sleep-deprivation.com/

It really is time to slow things down, I don't care if the culture around me acts differently. I will be 26 tomorrow and yeah, yeah, everyone tells me I'm so young still, and I admit, I am, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm not eighteen anymore. I don't want diabetes, and Lord knows I don't need to have anymore problems with my "ability to control speech, access memory, and solve problems."

Separate from the sleep deprivation issue (though of course not completely, nothing happens independent of anything else... think about it), I am moving back to Oceanside (not in an attempt to change lifestyle, there are other things I need to change in order to get more sleep, i.e. working so much, taking too many classes at school, etc.). Actually I'm halfway there already, Tim and I had to leave our house in Valley Center so I am staying with a family in this country town called Bonsall.

Hmm... like a falling leaf I am. I want to say that it is something I am not proud of, but it really doesn't bother me. Only when I feel pressured by those around me to be something that I am not do I have a problem with my life. Makes me ask, what's the purpose of life in the first place? Is it not to know Christ and Him crucified, to proclaim that truth to the nations? Is it not to live in the abundant, overflowing love God has for us, and to share that love with all? Everything else is details, "Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19-21

I have learned a lot of lessons in the last few months moving to Valley Center and being part of the church family there, but I feel that season is over with and Oceanside is a better place to be right now. I am ready to settle down for a while I think, kinda over moving so much, but I can't say what will take place. I felt that going to Valley Center was going to be temporary, and it has turned out to be so. I feel as if Oceanside could be for a little while, but I must hand it over to time and of course God, and who knows what the future holds. Who cares really, cuz life is so temporary and eternity is so long... glory hallelujah.

Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit" - yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin. - James 4:13-17

depending on a paradigm

"There is nothing that we can see on earth which does not either show the wretchedness of man or the mercy of God. One either sees the powerlessness of man without God, or the strength of man with God."

- Blaise Pascal

Luther

I think it good, and am thankful to God that we do not see our sinfulness as it truly is, we would surely be overwhelmed and die... Oh how precious is grace. Jesus was perfect and commands us to be so, with no room for negotiation. But of course, we fail, miserably. This is why the world hates Christianity, hates Christ. He calls us to do the impossible, we succeed in trying but never attaining, and the world with its delusions of perfection looks down and scoffs. Here's some quotes from Luther, a man who is both hated and revered. As I'm sure he would agree, he was not perfect, but, to God be the glory, even in our sin.

No man ought to lay a cross upon himself, or to adopt tribulation, as is done in popedom; but if a cross or tribulation come upon him, then let him suffer it patiently, and know that it is good and profitable for him.

Pray, and let God worry.

The reproduction of mankind is a great marvel and mystery. Had God consulted me in the matter, I should have advised him to continue the generation of the species by fashioning them out of clay.

First I shake the whole Apple tree, that the ripest might fall. Then I climb the tree and shake each limb, and then each branch and then each twig, and then I look under each leaf.

Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.

My heart, which is so full to overflowing, has often been solaced and refreshed by music when sick and weary.

Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave.

Faith is a living, daring confidence in God's grace, so sure and certain that a man could stake his life on it a thousand times.

Unless I am convinced by Scripture and plain reason - I do not accept the authority of the Popes and councils, for they have contradicted each other - my conscience is captive to the Word of God. I cannot and I will not recant anything for to go against conscience is neither right nor safe. God help me. Amen.

exhaustible?

Whoever watches the wind will not plant;
whoever looks at the clouds will not reap.

As you do not know the path of the wind,
or how the body is formed in a mother's womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God,
the Maker of all things.

Sow your seed in the morning,
and at evening let not your hands be idle,
for you do not know which will succeed,
whether this or that,
or whether both will do equally well.

- Ecclesiastes 11:4-6

Why do you say, O Jacob,
and complain, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the LORD;
my cause is disregarded by my God"?

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

- Isaiah 40:27-29

Jesus answered, "I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. You should not be surprised at my saying, 'You must be born again.' The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."

- John 3:5-8

¿shoes for everyone?

I'm sitting with a friend right now and she says "I'm not a shoe girl... but I own 30 pairs."

hmm...

Oh, yeah, and then as I'm writing this she says "It could be worse, come on!"

hmm...

something's fishy...

life like chess

I never had the patience to learn chess, at least the right way; and I always thought it was for boring people, I mean, where's the excitement? But of course, in God's grace, I'm slowly and painfully learning that true life is about so much more than I ever thought. I know how to play, just not wisely, and I've always lost. Zealousness means nothing if it isn't rightly directed.

"...and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls." James 1:21

meekness
n 1: the feeling of patient submissive humbleness [syn: submission] 2: a disposition to be patient and long suffering


oh God, give us hearts that truly live in patient submissive humbleness...

i like bird.

"Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head." Matthew 8:20

I'm sure glad Jesus' own family called Him crazy (read Mark ch 3), cuz surely I feel like it sometimes.

to be a disciple

It amazes me to think that there are 6.5 billion people in the world. Astounding and unimaginable, those are two ways I describe how I feel about it. What really makes me ponder is how each person is a person. Yeah, I know, that was as philosophical a statement as anyone has ever heard. Really though, I journal, I prefer to do so daily, but it usually ends up being a couple times a week, unless I'm on sabbatical, HaHaHa, sabbatical... Anyway, I feel like I could write a book a day most days, and to think that every other person on the planet goes through the same labyrinth that is life, that adds up to about 6.5 billion novels a day, filled with experience, thoughts, and of course just about every emotion possible. How insane is it that God has all this in control? How often do I feel like all is spinning out of control and try to do something drastic to rope it back in? How ridiculous is my usual, day to day belief in who God is?

There are so many times that I, we, feel alone, and it's a lie. God has read our book, God wrote our book, God is the "author and perfector of our faith."

All that to say, what was it like to be a disciple? I mean, if we put our faith in Christ and follow Him on any level, we are a disciple (maybe a good one, maybe a horrible one), but what was it like to walk the earth with God Himself, not as Adam did, but as Peter did, as James did, as John did. What was it like to walk with Jesus? How like an emotional roller coaster must that have been? We are so filthily sinful, and Him so perfect. Our darkest motives and desires always being brought into the light, even the ones that seem right. All this going on spiritually and emotionally and then the fact that the Man you are with is hated by the most respected parts of society, and you have left all to follow Him, what inner chaos it must have been. As they say in Spanish, por ejemple:

Jesus asks His disciples who they think He is, and Peter boldly says "You are the Christ, the Son of the living God." And Jesus was ecstatic that Peter had been given this gift, "Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jonoh! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father who is in heaven." How did Peter feel? How would we feel to have God in flesh say that to us?

Biblically it seems that it wasn't too long after this happened that Jesus was talking of how He at some point was going to have to be killed, and "Peter took him aside and began to rebuke Him, saying, 'Far be it from you, Lord! This shall never happen
to you.' But He (Jesus) turned and said to Peter, 'Get behind me, Satan! You are a hindrance to me. For you are not setting your mind on things of God, but on the things of man.'"

(paraphrased from the book of Matthew)

Whoa, harsh, very harsh. But it is truth, and as the cliché says, truth hurts. What I find peace in is that so many times I feel like Peter. One minute I'm on the right track, blessed beyond compare; the next, so far from it as if I were the devil himself. Why does God do things this way? I have no clue. So then... we learn what it is to be human and sinful, and we learn what it means to walk with Christ, here, NOW. Learning to trust in God as He daily writes our novel, conquering our sinfulness, this is living... this is true life!

"Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." John 20:29

"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the LORD." Isaiah 55:8

narrow indeed

a road to be walked
narrow indeed, in deed?
take hold but let go
a call to heed

lose life to gain life
have without having
mourn without mourning
rejoice without rejoicing

everything an exploit
demanding response
from who? the question
ask at once

unfathomably knowable
from beginning to end
met in the middle
to be called friend

a sudden change
prior motives entombed
what was is no more
actions florally bloom

love springs forth
from a heart that bleeds
a road to be walked
narrow indeed

a rich man knows not

"UNDP calculates that an annual 4 percent levy on the world's 225 most well-to-do people (average 1998 wealth: $4.5 billion) would suffice to provide the following essentials for all those in developing countries: adequate food, safe water and sanitation, basic education, basic health care and reproductive health care. At present, 160 of those individuals live in OECD countries; 60 reside in the United States."

What does it mean to be wealthy? Is it relative? To what?

I taught the little groms at the beach Monday night and they were astounded when I said that just to be born in the United States makes you a rich person. It is really quite funny coming from kids who get a new surfboard every couple months. I could understand such a response if I was talking to a poor immigrant family or someone living on the streets, but seriously, mom is gonna drive up in a brand new Yukon and take you home to your own bedroom. I could say so much more about how wealthy we are, and what that might mean, an entire book could be written, but here's just a little food for thought. How have we as humans changed over time in what we consider our basic needs? The gap between the aristocratic class and peasant class used to be much more distinguishable. Sure there are the top 225 billion who could change the world with so little of what they have, and they should, and they will answer to God Almighty one day; BUT do we all, here in the United States live like kings and queens? Do we all have our own castle? Do we all have our own chariot? Do we all have our own entertaining jester? Do we all... have?

(Of course generalizations are just that, general and not specific. Of course there are very poor people here in the United States, but I think the visualization is much more applicable than we, I, are willing to admit most of the time, and this should bring us to our knees.)

"Again I (Jesus) tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." Matthew 19:24

i'm a dichotomous bum

Dichotomous, not hippopotomous, I'm not grey and surrounded on every side by a foot of blubber (sure would be great to have the same floating abilities that they have, I just sink everytime I exhale). Sometimes though, I feel like it (surrounded by blubber that is). Leftovers from being a chubby kid I guess. How is it possible I still feel blubberous sometimes?... "Death and Destruction are never satisfied, and neither are the eyes of man." Proverbs 27:20

I slept on the beach last night. I had no blanket, so I froze, but nonetheless it was nice. My house is being bombed for termites, so last night and for the next two nights I'm homeless. I love it. Reminds me of those days when I slept in the open bed of my pickup. Maybe I'll do it again. BUT... Why, oh why, and I know it is true, why would so many people I know not be ok with that? Where is it that man wants me to be, and more importantly, where is it that God wants me to be?

"Death and Destruction are never satisfied, and neither are the eyes of man." Proverbs 27:20

deeply superficial

fick‧le [fik-uhl]
–adjective
1. likely to change, esp. due to caprice, irresolution, or instability; casually changeable: fickle weather.
2. not constant or loyal in affections: a fickle lover.

[Origin: bef. 1000; ME fikel, OE ficol deceitful, akin to fācen treachery, fician to deceive, gefic deception]

"How well you direct your course to seek love! So that even to wicked women you have taught your ways. Also on your skirts is found the lifeblood of the guiltless poor; you did not find them breaking in. Yet in spite of all these things you say, 'I am innocent; surely his anger has turned from me.' Behold, I will bring you to judgment for saying, 'I have not sinned.' How much you go about, changing your way! You shall be put to shame by Egypt as you were put to shame by Assyria. From it too you will come away with your hands on your head, for the LORD has rejected those in whom you trust, and you will not prosper by them."

Jeremiah 2:33-37

"How much you go about, changing your way!" A week ago I finished a book by an "emerging church" pastor, and in many ways it was a good book, but in many ways it was a horrible book. It has taken a while to digest everything, but like another book I read along the same vein of thinking, I wanted to walk away, smoke a cigar, drink a six pack, and call it new life. Depressing. The visible theme is attractive and even desirable, playing on truths that anyones heart cries out to be declared; but the underlying theme, the mode of thinking which runs its course through the entire book is basically this: "Somewhere in you is the you whom you were made to be. We need you to be you. We don't need a second anybody. We need the first you." It is subtle, and the quote that I am taking could be a reference to actual truths, but the development of the thought is not complete, it is ambiguous and vague, and this is where it leaves the reader. A glimmer of hope, but there is no actual resolution. This is typical of the postmodern world we live in, I mean, are there any absolutes? They would say "absolutely not!" absolutely. Hmm...

Then there is reality, the reality that I daily must face, a physically, emotionally, spiritually hard reality, the one I have spent my entire life trying to escape. I am learning what it means to trust like a child. Christian. I am learning what it means to be married. Christian. I am learning how the beautiful world around us and the manner in which God created all things is a purposeful stereotype of the spiritual world that I do not daily see. Christian. I am learning that I am fickle. Sadly, generally, Christian. I am learning what submission means. Christian. I am learning to love God and my neighbor unconditionally... and it is all very, very hard. Christian. The process of transformation makes me wonder if the catepillar metamorphosing into a butterfly goes through similar pains. How hideous the start, such an extreme change, and oh how absolutely beautiful the finished product. Christian.

Thus says the LORD: "Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the LORD. He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see any good come. He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land.

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream,and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green,and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit." The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? "I the LORD search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds."

Jeremiah 17:5-10

Oh, how fickle, how ironically, deeply superficial am I, have I always been. I'm just one of those children I guess, the kind every parent dreads (that makes me laugh, because it is so true). All my life I have ran from submission. But God wants different.

God grant me repentance that I may joyfully submit to Your church, to You, regardless of doubts and fears. Change my heart that is so inclined toward evil. By the power of Your Spirit, in the name of Your Son, Jesus.

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, 'My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust...'" Psalm 91:1,2

an endless summer...

Bo‧he‧mi‧an [boh-hee-mee-uhn]
–noun
1. a native or inhabitant of Bohemia.
2. (usually lowercase) a person, as an artist or writer, who lives and acts free of regard for conventional rules and practices.
3. the Czech language, esp. as spoken in Bohemia.
4. a Gypsy.
–adjective
5. of or pertaining to Bohemia, its people, or their language.
6. (usually lowercase) pertaining to or characteristic of the unconventional life of a bohemian.
7. living a wandering or vagabond life, as a Gypsy.

[Origin: 1570–80; Bohemi(a) + -an]


I visited my old church not so long ago and Miss Carla (as I call her) the secretary there and really the church mom in many senses told me that I was "sooo bohemian." I was unaware of what it meant so I made her describe. I can't stand labels, but there was no denying it, bohemian I am. After all I did live on a sailboat for 5 months, and then in my pick-up truck for another five. I would be blind to deny it. I ask though, is it a gift, or is it a curse? This is the question I have placed before myself and more importantly, the Lord. For a long time now I have lived a life of reckless abandon, and within the last three years, God has changed so much. Trying to decipher between old habits that must die and old habits that just need to be brought under submission to Christ has been an interesting aspect of living. My bohemianess is one of them. I have done a great job of submitting myself to a worldy (I say that loosely) looking life plan, work like a dog, put myself through school, etc., and I enjoy it (school that is), for the first time. But, there is always a but, I don't care. It isn't important, I don't think it necessary, I have no obligation, and in some cases think that I am consuming myself rather than seeking first the kingdom of God. So...

I went home the other day to find a note on our door saying that we all have to vacate the premises by the 18th of October. D-day, and B-day, what sweet news. Where to go, what to do, I have no clue. A friend of mine is moving to Hawaii, and was talking about this place and it stirred something in me that I have been wrestling with since. Where to go, what to do, I have no clue. Am I willing to sell everything I own (isn't much to begin with), to leave and abandon the structure I find myself in? Where to go, what to do, I have no clue. Would it be honoring and bring glory to the Lord to pack up and leave? Where to go, what to do, I have no clue.

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, 'My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust...'" Psalm 91:1,2

Read the rest, a prophecy of, for, by Jesus, but a prayer for us too.

Where to go, what to do, I have a clue...

fill er' up!

When I was talking to my sister this morning Gillian said that when I see her in October for my Dad's birthday party she is going to "hug me up." Kids are so great. I can't wait... to be hugged up that is ;-)

contagiousnessess

When I die, I have one question. Of all the history, of all the philosophy, of all other sciencesessess, of all religions, politics, yada, yada, yada, etc., etc., ETC.!!!

¡¡¡¡¡ ¿¿¿¿¿ WHY ARE YAWNS CONTAGIOUS ????? !!!!!

moving? again?

I found out yesterday that the house I'm living in has been sold. I was going to have to leave in December anyway (my roomate is gettin' hitched), but now maybe sooner. Where shall I go? Honestly, I don't know, but I feel more free than I ever have, open for whatever. Time will tell...

"But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction." 1 Timothy 6:6-9

It's great to be alive!

revive us again

LORD, you were favorable to your land;
you restored the fortunes of Jacob.
You forgave the iniquity of your people;
you covered all their sin.
Selah

You withdrew all your wrath;
you turned from your hot anger.

Restore us again, O God of our salvation,
and put away your indignation toward us!
Will you be angry with us forever?
Will you prolong your anger to all generations?
Will you not revive us again,
that your people may rejoice in you?
Show us your steadfast love, O LORD,
and grant us your salvation.

Let me hear what God the LORD will speak,
for he will speak peace to his people, to his saints;
but let them not turn back to folly.
Surely his salvation is near to those who fear him,
that glory may dwell in our land.

Steadfast love and faithfulness meet;
righteousness and peace kiss each other.
Faithfulness springs up from the ground,
and righteousness looks down from the sky.
Yes, the LORD will give what is good,
and our land will yield its increase.
Righteousness will go before him
and make his footsteps a way.

Psalm 85

the only remedy

Those who know love, must love.

"The teaching of the wise is a fountain of life, that one may turn away from the snares of death." Proverbs 13:14

Yesterday a semi-retired man I work with at the spa was complaining of the wealth our guests have, and I quote: "Guess that's what happens when you're rich. The world runs on your time, not on its own. Oh well, next lifetime maybe, missed it this time around."

I was heartbroken. Here is this man in his sixties and from "the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks." Dissatisfaction, brokenness, selfishness poured from this mans heart. What can be done? Love. Love speaks truth, love is truth. Love is God, love is Christ.


We're all dissatisfied on some level. We all need direction, every last one of us. Where do we get it from? Where does wisdom come from, not just intelligence, but that which is beyond the normal bounds of human intuition? From God of course, revealed through His son Jesus. The Word, the Word made flesh, and dwelt among us, that is our source of wisdom. Then there's the Bible, the Word, a book, just like the rest, but what it contains entirely unlike the rest. Why did God choose to reveal Himself in this way, literature? I think asking that question is like asking why are babies made the way they are (personally cuz I think asexuality would be quite boring). "His ways are not our ways..." And since His ways are not our ways, we are foreign to them, we find ourselves in this position...

"So Philip ran to him (the Ethiopian eunuch) and heard him reading Isaiah the prophet and asked, "Do you understand what you are reading?" And he said, "How can I, unless someone guides me?" And he invited Philip to come up and sit with him." Acts 8:30,31

We need guidance, from each other, from wise men, from the Word. Why? God made it that way. Who are we (besides ignorant, insubordinate, individualistic people) to question the Lord of heaven, He who created the starry host.

"O Lord of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you!" Psalm 84:12

"help! i need somebody..."

How is it that people cry out for truth and even speak truth, yet remain so far from it? The Beatles knew they needed someone, they even said in another song "all you need is love." The apostle John wrote "Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love." 1 John 4:7,8

The quote from John has very heavy implications. Neither the Beatles, nor anyone else who does not know Christ has ever loved. That's a thought that will make the most well intentioned man hate Christ; apart from knowing Christ and the redemption that comes through His shed blood, we, humans, are so sinful that even that which the world perceives as love is truly a form of hate. No good intention on behalf of the unrighteous (those not covered by the blood of the Lamb) is even remotely good. How unlike the mainstream thought prevalent today that "as long as you are a good person..."

"Whoever is righteous has regard for the life of his beast, but the mercy of the wicked is cruel." Proverbs 12:10

on my mind...

"There are some things in life, and they may be the most important things, that we cannot know by research or reflection, but only by committing ourselves. We must dare in order to know. Life is full of situations to which I can respond not with part of myself but only with commitment of my whole being." - J.H. Oldham

To know for certain, to control, to have assurance aside from faith, these are all faults that the dead man in us all screams for. Backed by the technological advances of man that has created a way of living allowing us to basically be in control of all situations, we are helpless when it comes to stepping out in faith. Why do we feel, do I feel, the need to know before acting?

Balance, a balance beam, a tight rope... that which we are called to walk, in every area of life, or as Jesus said, "a narrow path."

"Be wise as serpents but innocent as doves..."

Jesus lead on...

TUG 06

Well, it has definitely been five months since we returned from our trip to Africa, and I am just now putting up pictures for all to see. It was an amazing trip, to say the least. Trips like this are so... I think overwhelming might be the word I'm looking for. To go from living in a place like we live, to experiencing something SO different, it is down-right shocking. When you're there you feel so inspired, so motivated to change, and upon return and being thrown back into the rat race I feel so much of that inspiration is lost. Oh, by the grace of God all things work out for good; but really, the way we live here has been so rightly coined as a "consumer society," and tragically, I'm certain we are being consumed more than we are consuming, and I don't think we even realize it. What are we doing with our lives? God says "Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed. Rescue the weak and needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked." Psalm 82:3-4 and "If you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday." Isaiah 58:10

"I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, and he will hear me. In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted. When I remember God, I moan; when I meditated, my spirit faints." Selah Psalm 77:1-3

Unfortunately I can't say that I can pray that psalm and it be a proper representation of where my heart is. On some small scale I feel that way, but I know I am calloused, shallow, and selfish. Lord, again... where is my heart? Where is the heart of the church? You have revealed Yourself, disclosed where Your heart is, it's just a road not many are willing to follow... Father give us strength...

Well, that was heavy, and I want to say enjoy the slideshow ya'll... but realize it's not simply a jolly remembrance of another vacation, there's so much more...

oh church of God, where is thy heart?

"But Jesus called them to him and said, 'You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. It shall not be so amony you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.'" Matthew 20:25-28

"Yet today's Christian culture seems intoxicateed with power and glory. We see this in the church growth movement, in the fascination with celebrities who become Christians, in marches on Washington, and the pride of influence in the halls of government. We see it in the over-done religious musicals that often pass for church services, and in the mass crusades during which hundreds come forward but few become disciples.

We 'celebrate' our way into God's presence, climbing a sentimental ladder, singing songs that replace Christ and his cross with me and my desire to see God's face, to experience his power, to see his glory, to feel his touch. Meanwhile, despite all the pomp and show, secularism continues its steady march uninterrupted as the noise from the theology of glory drowns out any dissent that might be heard coming from the ranks of the faithful.

Being united to Christ sounds like wonderful news at first. We hear inspiring testimonies about how much happier and more fulfilled people were after they 'found Christ.' But we seldom hear, and often forget the far-reaching ramifications of this identification. Not only are we identified with his victory, but are also destined to share in the 'fellowship of his suffering.'"

Where oh Lord is my heart, where oh Lord are our hearts, where oh Lord is thy heart, bring us back to you...

the ebb what?

The changing tide, it comes in then out, high then low, sometimes with a storm, sometimes with serenity... what a beautiful picture of life. Ask me to explain how it is a beautiful picture of life and I won't be able to answer, except that life changes, yet always stays the same. Que sera, sera...

One of the most shocking things that comes with age is realizing that no one really ever grows up. All through the aging process people senior to us represent something awe inspiring and it seems that much time is spent dreaming over that next stage in life. "Ah, to be out of high school, out of college, married, to be a house owner, world traveling retired RV operator..." But how depressing it is to get to that stage and realize nothing has changed. At every point in life we deal with selfishness and all the nasty out-workings that it produces. It is only by the grace of God that anything is different, at least truly different. Hiding sinfulness and shame will only work as far as the grave, but beyond is an entirely different story. It is here that I find myself being crushed and begging for change. I must see God now and be completely fulfilled, entirely content with where I am, right now. No amount of wishing or dreaming will produce for myself a life that I am never meant to live.

I have been accepted to Moody (awhile ago now) and even sent in my enrollment deposit, but (as there is always a but) I am going to stay in Southern California for another year. A week ago I came to the conclusion that it is probably not yet time to leave. I have many reasons, but the main one being that I have a very unique opportunity to spend some time in intense study and discipleship with some great men of God, and I think it would be unwise to throw that away. And conversely to my nagging thought of being 25 and still somewhat directionless, at this point, putting off school for another year makes little difference. Since I put up my "however letter, I'll post my acceptance letter too.

"Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen." Hebrews 13:12

the cost of it all

It has been a while since I have posted anything, and that I am ok with. Fact of the matter is, I am just busy. This last week it almost felt like too much, like I was being Martha, but these past few days the Lord has been gracious and helping me to sit at his feet, even with two jobs, almost full time school, and all my other obligations. He certainly is most worthy of our praise. Again I don't have much time, so I will leave with a quote from Dietrich Bonhoeffer's Cost of Discipleship.

He is called out, and has to forsake his old life in order that he may "exist" in the strictest sense of the word. The old life is left behind, and completely surrendered. The disciple is dragged out of his relative security into a life of absolute insecurity (that is, in truth, into the absolute security and safety of the fellowship of Jesus), from a life which is observable and calculable (it is, in fact, quite incalculabele) into a life where everything is unobservable and fortuitious (that is, into one which is necessary and calculable), out of the realm of finite ( which is in truthe the infinite) into the realm of infinite possibilities (which is the one liberating reality). Again it is no universal law. Rather is it the exact opposite of all legality. It is nothing else than bondage to Jesus Christ alone, completely breaking through every programme,every ideal, every set of laws. No other significance is possible, since Jesus is the only significance. Beside Jesus nothing has any significance. He alone matters.

When we are called to follow Christ, we are summoned to an exclusive attachment to his person. The grace of his call bursts all the bonds of legalism. It is a gracious call, a gracious commandment. It transcends the difference between the law and the gospel. Christ calls, the disciple follows: that is grace and commandment in one. "I will walk at liberty, for I seek thy commandments" (Ps. 119.45).

Amen.

p.s. sorry didn't have time to proof read...

finally... Moody...

No, I am not in a bad mood, as the title of this post could possibly suggest. My application to Moody was received by the early deadline, and I have received a response. Brittany had been telling me that the 14th of this month was the day we were supposed to hear from them so I had been looking out the window every fifteen minutes or so checking to see if the mail had come. Of course the mailman was late that day (last Tuesday), later than ever actually, and I was just about to leave for work. Willie called me, we were chatting, I checked to see if the flag was down one more time, and, yes it was. I got the mail, rifled through the letters, and there it was, MOODY BIBLE INSTITUTE. Willie was excitedly telling me to open it, and some of me didn't want to, but of course I really did, so here it is, you can read for yourself (once opened, click on the expand button on the lower right corner of the picture to make it readable)...

Ahh, yes, the proverbial HOWEVER. When I was reading the letter (out loud so Willie could hear) I paused at However, and my heart sank. Willie said something too, I can't remember what, but it was somber. I thought that was it. My legs were weak, my stomach was a little upside down, and I was instantly saddened. Of course I kept reading and was relieved, but the feeling of shock didn't subside instantly. Partially because I have wanted to know for so long and had been looking forward to that day when the letter would come.

So, now, I am still waiting. Of course I wish I weren't, but it has caused me to dive deeper into the depths of Gods sovereignty and trusting His plan for my life. If anything, even if I don't get accepted, I have learned through this how well I am at deceiving myself. I have been telling everyone and thinking to myself how it isn't that big of a deal if I'm not accepted. I realize from my initial reaction that I have been telling myself those lies in an attempt to protect my heart, something I do in many areas of my life. So I have learned I need to be more honest with myself and others. I am no stoic, I care much whether I am accepted, but all I can say and pray is, Lord, Thy will be done.

brute man

I thought I would use MSN Spaces as my blog, but for some reason I always come back to blogger, so it looks like I'm here to stay. I'm going to delete all my posts at the spaces site and use it for pictures only, but I couldn't let this one go, I like the quote too much. So this is taken from a December 29th post:

So, this book is quotable just about every page, and I have just about every page dog-eared (as if I will make it back) but I am currently reading this part, so it is this part I shall cite. What part, you ask, well, I'll get to that. One thing for sure, Chesterton is not writing this book as an apologetic ranting, most of it is an account of his own philosophical or theological assent. In that sense it has been a thick read, as he is way smarter than I, and I also had to become accustomed to his writing style as is necessary to comprehend anything he writes. So naturally when I get to the one part of the book where he stoops to an apologetic level, I became excited. And so I quote:

Many a sensible modern man must have abandoned Christianity under the pressure of three such converging convictions as these: first, that men, with their shape, structure, and sexuality, are, after all, very much like beasts, a mere variety of the animal kingdom... The only objection to this (I discover) is that it is untrue. If you leave off looking at books about beasts and men, if you begin to look at beasts and men then (if you have any humour or imagination, any sense of the frantic or the farcical) you will observe that the startling thing is not how like man is to the brutes, but how unlike he is. It is the monstrous scale of his divergence that requires an explanation. That man and brute are like is, in a sense, a truism; but that being so like they should then be so insanely unlike, that is the shock and the enigma. That an ape has hands is far less interesting to the philosopher than the fact that having hands he does next to nothing with them; does not play knuckle-bones or the violin; does not carve marble or carve mutton. People talk of barbaric architecture and debased art. But elephants do not build colossal temples of ivory even in a rococo style; camels do not paint even bad pictures, though equipped with the material of many camel's-hair brushes. Certain modern dreamers say that ants and bees have a society superior to ours. They have, indeed, a civilization; but that very truth only reminds us that it is an inferior civilization. Who ever found an ant-hill decorated with the statues of celebrated ants? Who has seen a bee-hive carved with the images of gorgeous queens of old? No; the chasm between man and other creatures may have a natural explanation, but it is a chasm. All other animals are tame animals; following the rugged respectability of the tribe or type. All other animals are domestic animals; man alone is ever undomestic, either as a profligate or a monk.

Ahh, I love it; "camels do not paint even bad pictures, though equipped with the material of many camel's-hair brushes." Chesterton makes me laugh and makes me think, sometimes both until they hurt. Glory Hallelujah.

g.k. chesterton

"...from that earthquake saying of our Gospels, which declare that the Son of God came not with peace but with a sundering sword. The saying rings entirely true even considered as what it obviously is; the statement that any man who preaches real love is bound to beget hate."

john calvin

"We certainly obey God with our will, but it is with a will which he has formed in us. Those, apart from the grace of God, do nothing else than rend the Holy Spirit. Paul declares, not that a faculty of willing is given to us, but that the will itself is formed in us (Phil. 2:13), so that from none else but God is the assent or obedience of a right will. He acts within, holds our hearts, moves our hearts, and draws us by the inclinations which he has produced in us. So says Augustine. What a preparation can there be in a heart of iron, until by a wondrous change it begins to be a heart of flesh?" - John Calvin

So I read this (from R.C. Sprouls book "Willing to Believe") and the first thought to mind is, if there is an inclination towards good and that only comes from God, what happened in the garden of eden? How did Adam, created perfect, incline himself towards eating of the fruit? I then must understand that it was not God who inclined Adam to do wrong, but, it is Him, who inclines us to do good. Even today with a regenerate heart my decision process begs of me to choose between right and wrong. I am inclined towards good, and the only reason I know that is by how bad I feel when I do wrong ("the shadow proves the sunshine"). If we were living in darkness, we would hate the light, but a child of God has an opposite perspective. Until the Lord has begun a work in me, and inclined my will toward good, I am a servent to sin. But who saves us, the Messiah, Yeshua, Jesus. All praise belongs to Him!

back from surfing

Oh yes, I love Mexico. Everything about the place stirs a sense of freedom in me. We drove down with a caravan of 9 cars, toting 50 people, and what a blast we had. The surf was awesome, the food was grandiose and the company was the biggest blessing of all. I put pictures on my other site, so you can check them out if you wish. We had an entire coastline to our group and the wave, if caught right, could take you for a long ride. That was rad. I was one of the few men under the age of thirty, so I was the big brother of all the groms. That was rad. I ate like a horse and caught more waves than I ever had before. That was rad. And of course the teaching at night and time of fellowship was plentiful and wholesome. That was rad. God is too good. Oh, yeah I got a letter from Moody the other day...

rad adj. Slang
Excellent; wonderful.
[Short for radical.]

gone surfing

Going to Mexico this weekend with Christian Surfers, should be a grand ole' time. Will I hear from Moody while I'm gone? Oh, Lord, Thy will be done...

the clock is ticking

Four days, including today (as the mail hasn't come yet), and I should find out whether I have been accepted to Moody Bible Institute. Why four days, well I have heard from a friend who applied that the fourteenth of this month is the day those who made the early deadline find out whether they have been accepted or not. I can't help but think about it all the time. I check the mail daily with the enthusiasm of a little boy expecting a decoder ring. Last time I applied to school I only applied to one, but could have cared less the outcome, now, my expectations keep me on my toes and sometimes they hurt. For a little over two years now I have struggled with making a step towards a goal other than being out of debt. I have worked a couple jobs and have been consistent in paying off my debt, and sure I have been lackadaisically enrolling in a class or two at community college for the last couple years, but the big question has been, what do I do? I have been thinking of pursuing a degree in History, only to go on and get a Masters so I could teach, but as far as passion goes, I want to fly. I want to be overseas, in a part of the world far from the normal reaches of your typical traveler. I want to reach the unreachable for Christ and share with them the great news of salvation. Thy will be done... That is where I must be and where I must find peace. Saturday is the day, and Friday I leave for Mexico for the weekend. I won't get back until Monday, therefore the fourteenth has turned into the sixteenth, but, Thy will be done...

i sit here at 11:11

It happens twice a day, 11:11. Soon it will pass, tick, tock, tick, tock... What's the deal with music, it has such a powerful effect, can lift one up and bring one down. I try to imagine the world often prior to the advent of electricity, which Edison (and many others) ushered in around 1882. Insane... we (humans) have only had electricity for a century and a quarter. Imagine no lamps, headlights, computers, ipods, amplified music, the ability to listen to music anywhere, anytime. Imagine the necessity of people playing acoustic instruments in order to hear music. All music was live at one point. The same goes for pictures. Imagine only having crude paintings for memories. How would we be different, would we act different on an everyday basis? Lord knows...

Music right now and many times, has me in a state of euphoria, caring, yet not caring, almost a sense of freedom. Hoping for the impossible; I love hoping for the impossible. Yet, there is no such thing. One cannot have hope knowing that which is hoped for is an impossiblity, though sometimes things seem impossible, but what is impossible for man is possible with God. So what do I hope for? Salvation of multitudes, selfishly, the multitude of people I know personally who know not their Lord and Savior; I hope for a family, a great wife and a lot of children running around; I hope for a job with means to provide for a family; I sometimes hope the world would end now, and I would be face to face with the Creator of all that is seen and unseen. Hmmm... music makes me pensive, I like it...