to be... or not to be

What's the question?...


This life

I lead

As it is said...



More aptly...


This life

In which

I nead to be led...



The days have been flying by. I can't believe it has already been almost a month since I went home to Wisconsin. Soon the new year will be here and the repetitive saying "I can't believe it's 2006" will be rolling off our tounges. If that's not it, then some derivative of it. Time certainly flies, and we live but like a flower, to bloom and wither away.

It's bewildering to think that I've been contemplating what I will do with my life for the last eight or so years. It's also interesting to think that I was serious then, as I am now, about wanting to find it, and do it. I think the thought process has intensified over the years, but in some ways, that only makes things worse. Thinking too much hurts. Thankfully, the last two years have brought peace into the whole situation. I no longer am stressed about what I will do, just eager, and that I have the Lord to thank for. I have learned that my life is in His hands and that by losing my life, I will gain it. I told Pete the other day that all of life is a paradox. Of course, telling of God's mysterious nature, the paradox starts the moment we are concieved. Not only does life begin, but time ticking away promises unavoidable death. Following suit, is not all of life going to be at least somewhat equally confusing? (somewhat equally :)

All that to say, I have been earnestly praying about things, and this week I will be applying to Moody Bible institute in Chicago. I am not attempting to go to Chicago though, Moody has an extension campus in Spokane, WA, and I am looking to be accepted into their missionary aviation, pilot training program. There have been a lot of inner debates about this, but I believe the time has come; I have yet only to talk to my dad about it. Regardless, it is time to make a commitment, and stick to it. Of course, there is wisdom in decision making and there is a reason we have brains to think with, and always, prayer and supplication to seek the Lord with. I am confident I have done this, now, I just need to finish something. Lord give me strength.

My Utmost for His Hightest, by Oswald Chambers has been a huge help. His expository teachings have touched upon issues which I have delt with. Am I doing this for me, or for God? Am I living in faith or fear? Both of those questions are eternally serious, and I have felt that weight. From Chambers November 10th devotional:

After sanctification it is difficult to state what your aim in life is, because God has taken you up into His purpose by the Holy Ghost; He is using you now for His purposes throughout the world as He used His Son for the purpose of our salvation. If you seek great things for yourself - God has called me for this and that; you are putting a barrier to God's use of you. As long as you have a personal interest in your own character, or any set ambition, you cannot get through into identification with God's interests. You can only get there by losing forever any idea of yourself and by letting God take you right out into His purpose for the world, and because your goings are of the Lord, you can never understand your ways.

I have to learn that the aim in life is God's, not mine. God is using me from His great personal standpoint, and all He asks of me is that I trust Him, and never say - Lord, this gives me such heartache. To talk in that way makes me a clog. When I stop telling God what I want, He can catch me up for what He wants without let or hindrance. He can crumple me up or exalt me, He can do anything He chooses. He simply asks me to have implicit faith in Himself and His goodness. Self-pity is of the devil; if I go off on that line I cannot be used by God for His purpose in the world. I have a "world within the world" in which I live, and God will never be able to get me outside it because I am afraid of being frost-bitten.

Being human, full of selfishness and desire for control, and living in a society where image is glorified above all things, it is only "natural" that I want to be great and that I want to do great things being great. Honestly this has been a hindrance in my walk and it must not be. I seriously have thought, if I'm the pilot of a tiny plane in some remote part of the world, then how is the Lord going to use me for great things. How ridiculous is that? I know it, to the core of my being, yet my desires still stumble me. Lord, rip this heart of flesh from me.

The issue of family... my dad and mom, my sisters and brother, my new niece; and then there's the family of my own I desire so much. My question and doubt has how this decision will effect these areas of my life, yet again, it is not about my will. One more excerpt from Chambers, November 13th:

Stand in implicit adoring faith in Him, He is made unto us "wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemtion." How can we talk of making a sacrifice for the Son of God! Our salvation is from hell and perdition, and then we talk about making sacrifices!...

We never can experience Jesus Christ, nor even hold Him within the compass of our own hearts, but our faith must be built in strong emphatic confidence in Him....

All our fears are wicked, and we fear because we will not nourish ourselves in our faith. How can anyone who is identified with Jesus Christ suffer from doubt of fear! It ought to be an absolute paean of perfectly irrepressible, triumphant belief.

On that note, there is nothing left to be said, except, lead on Lord...