to be a disciple

It amazes me to think that there are 6.5 billion people in the world. Astounding and unimaginable, those are two ways I describe how I feel about it. What really makes me ponder is how each person is a person. Yeah, I know, that was as philosophical a statement as anyone has ever heard. Really though, I journal, I prefer to do so daily, but it usually ends up being a couple times a week, unless I'm on sabbatical, HaHaHa, sabbatical... Anyway, I feel like I could write a book a day most days, and to think that every other person on the planet goes through the same labyrinth that is life, that adds up to about 6.5 billion novels a day, filled with experience, thoughts, and of course just about every emotion possible. How insane is it that God has all this in control? How often do I feel like all is spinning out of control and try to do something drastic to rope it back in? How ridiculous is my usual, day to day belief in who God is?

There are so many times that I, we, feel alone, and it's a lie. God has read our book, God wrote our book, God is the "author and perfector of our faith."

All that to say, what was it like to be a disciple? I mean, if we put our faith in Christ and follow Him on any level, we are a disciple (maybe a good one, maybe a horrible one), but what was it like to walk the earth with God Himself, not as Adam did, but as Peter did, as James did, as John did. What was it like to walk with Jesus? How like an emotional roller coaster must that have been? We are so filthily sinful, and Him so perfect. Our darkest motives and desires always being brought into the light, even the ones that seem right. All this going on spiritually and emotionally and then the fact that the Man you are with is hated by the most respected parts of society, and you have left all to follow Him, what inner chaos it must have been. As they say in Spanish, por ejemple:

Jesus asks His disciples who they think He is, and Peter boldly says "You are the Christ, the Son of the living God." And Jesus was ecstatic that Peter had been given this gift, "Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jonoh! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father who is in heaven." How did Peter feel? How would we feel to have God in flesh say that to us?

Biblically it seems that it wasn't too long after this happened that Jesus was talking of how He at some point was going to have to be killed, and "Peter took him aside and began to rebuke Him, saying, 'Far be it from you, Lord! This shall never happen
to you.' But He (Jesus) turned and said to Peter, 'Get behind me, Satan! You are a hindrance to me. For you are not setting your mind on things of God, but on the things of man.'"

(paraphrased from the book of Matthew)

Whoa, harsh, very harsh. But it is truth, and as the cliché says, truth hurts. What I find peace in is that so many times I feel like Peter. One minute I'm on the right track, blessed beyond compare; the next, so far from it as if I were the devil himself. Why does God do things this way? I have no clue. So then... we learn what it is to be human and sinful, and we learn what it means to walk with Christ, here, NOW. Learning to trust in God as He daily writes our novel, conquering our sinfulness, this is living... this is true life!

"Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." John 20:29

"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the LORD." Isaiah 55:8