a capable heart

Someone turned on the lights...
the more I see
the more I cry...
the more I cry
the more I die...
Somehow this is true life...

I lost my phone charger the other day, and my watch broke the day before that. I'm disconnected. All I need is for my car to break down again, and sweet, I'm movin to the North Pole (that way I can have a one on one with the jolly man in red and give him the 411 on what I need for Christmas). I was not going buy a new charger, but realized that it was probably wise to do so... unfortunately. I went to Fry's and bought the thing and my phone still won't charge, oh well, life is better without things. Last night I sat in the hot tub of a million dollar home (not that big a deal as housing costs out here are freakin ridiculous) and listened to teenage boys quote obscene movies and laugh uncontrollably. I haven't watched the movies, I felt disconnected. I was glad that I was sad.

I think that nature in its raw harshness causes the "natural" man to face his frailty. We don't have that anymore. We have conquered, yet lost everything. I have class right now...

to be continued...

4:30am comes real quick when you lay down at 12:30, but even four hours of sleep at work is amazing, who sleeps at work? It sure is dark and cold out though, and that brings me back... where were we before electricity? Humbled, put in our right place as created beings I think. I would venture to say that nature conquering our "sinful nature" was a form of Gods grace, and we have technologically rid ourselves of such grace. We simply aren't made to live in this world as it now is.

Of course though, since that wretched day however many years ago we have always been at odds with our environment (whether a technological or natural landscape). I still wonder how the world would look, pre-adam and eve-fall status, with 6 billion people (I don't know how comfortable I am with being vegetarian and naked :-) But that was never the notion. God knew we would sin, He knew we would be where we are today. God knew that we weren't capable of living peacefully with our own creations, i.e. cell phones, computers, cars, a metropolis. It is here I struggle. It is here that I must find some semblance of reconciliation, and what that is, I'm yet to find out. I pray for it constantly.

I have wanted to be a missionary to indigenous tribes for a long time, and am just now realizing why I must not go, at least not now. I think it dumb to have a car, but I need a car, catch 22. Why do I think it dumb to have cars? Let's see, we wonder where road rage comes from, and I'm going to make some guesses: Walking is good for you, healthy; sitting in a car, not good, not healthy. Walking is good for you, healthy; spending money on gas is not good, not healthy (neither for the pocket book nor the environment). There has never been a 'walking traffic jam', healthy; no one can stand the 15 or the 5 during rush hour, not healthy. Now I'm not one to get road rage, but I don't blame anyone that does. For a society that is pressed on all sides for time, time wasted in a car, is painful (where were we before the clock, hmm?). And this is how I see all of our advanced living mechanisms, contributions to a society that is gluttonous for punishment. And this is why I must not go anywhere just yet, because I would be running to a place that doesn't exist, the whole world is polluted... I guess I am longing to be a vegetarian and naked.

What I need is a capable heart. A heart strong enough to live amidst the chaos and not become entangled by or enticed by all the false hopes we are now promised, have always been promised. I must admit, I am weak, and this is the problem. Strength must come from God, and only knowing His truth brings such strength. God grant me strength. O God, grant us strength. God grant us truth.

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27